Bryce and I have a dream for our future:
Short term, Bryce graduates from his Grad school program {WHOOP!}, we get married {WHOOOOP!!}, honeymoon, and then get back in time to relax and celebrate my little brother’s high school graduation. Long term, a puppy named raider, a move back home to Dallas. It includes children, a new car, travel and fun vacations.
It’s not set in stone, but it’s laid out pretty smoothly in the sand, and it seems perfectly ideal.
So perfect that it scares me sometimes.
Sometimes I wonder if God is watching us piece together our perfect plans, just waiting to shatter them. Maybe shatter isn’t the best word. Change. Change sounds safer, less scary. Shatter is probably the word I should use though.
shat·ter Verb/ˈSHatər/1. Break or cause to break suddenly and violently into pieces.2. Damage or destroy (something abstract): "the crisis will shatter their confidence"
The second example sentence scares every part of me.
[shatter their confidence]
There is a sinking feeling inside of me that the blessings in my life will be removed from my life. I always try to sing that verse out of Job “you give and take away…” with such confidence. However, without fail, I end up tearing up or feeling overwhelmed with fear and anxiety because I know that in my heart, the thought of God taking away the blessings in my life terrifies me. I don’t want them to be taken from me.
I don’t want to be asked to prove my love and dedication to Christ.
It’s selfish and shameful to say that. I hate it about myself. But if I’m truly being honest, I am terrified of being asked to give everything, or anything, up. I don’t want him to mess up my plan.
I’m not even brave enough to pray it. God knows my heart. He knows when I’m thinking “wait, I don’t actually mean that I’m willing for God to test my heart, so I’m not going to pray it”. He knows my every thought. He knows that my heart is aching in fear that someday, a loved one may be taken from me. He knows how terrified I am that I won’t have a job that pays enough to support my J-Crew shopping addiction. I’m scared my sweet puppy is going to die. He is fully aware that the thought of living a life without Bryce scares me more than I can even begin to wrap my heart around.
There’s no way that God could fill my life with so many blessings. There has to be a negative to balance out all of this goodness I have going for me.
And then in the midst of my panic, I am reminded of the goodness of God’s grace and mercy, of his overwhelming love, of his glory and his greatness.
His goodness far exceeds the greatness of my plans.
I am so glad I serve a loving God. I am so grateful to know that he isn’t human. He is full of compassion and his kindness is overflowing. His love is never ending and his grace is sufficient. My soul finds peace and comfort in the blessing of his sovereignty.
Even as I’m typing this, the Shane and Shane song, “Psalm 145” is cranked up on my macbook. Don’t you just love when God plays DJ and chooses the perfect song to let your soul sing?
Psalm 145 is full of beautiful reminders of God’s goodness and love:
“…Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise! No one can measure his greatness…the Lord is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. The Lord is good to everyone. He showers compassion on all his creation…”
Even though I don’t always feel it with 100% confidence, I truly know with all of my heart that my God will always take care of me. I serve a loving God. I serve a forgiving God. I am so grateful to know that he isn’t human and that he understands that I am. He is full of compassion and his kindness is overflowing. His love is never ending and his grace is fully sufficient. He has a perfect plan for my life, and I can find confidence in knowing he is completely in control.
[p.s. here's SandS singing Psalm 145.]
